Written in January 2016
It’s been nearly two months since we high-tailed it out of Truckee to beat an impending winter storm. In that time we’ve visited with friends and family in Monterey, San Luis Obispo, Santa Barbara, Malibu, Los Angeles, Ramona, and Palm Desert. We met new friends in places like Pfeiffer Big Sur State Park, Slab City, CA, and Las Cruces, NM. And we’re building a network here in Austin, though we’ve only lived here for just over two weeks. Everywhere we’ve gone, we’ve found great people. But am I one of them? Am I not too selfish and confused to fit in with this crowd? How do I escape this constant anxiety?
The sand takes lines unknown. –D.H. Lawrence
My personal sands are shifting a lot lately. Some days winds are steady and the sails are full. Others feel as though life itself has been suspended. Am I still dreaming? Is this reality? And what, in my own sort of personal truth, really is reality anyway?
I chose this path for a very simple reason: I believe my brother possesses a musical talent that should be shared with the world, and I was afraid that, so long as he remained comfortable in Truckee, his opportunity to share this talent would never materialize. So, ignoring the limitations of my own financial situation and my fears pertaining to how we might actually be able to co-exist, we fused our souls in this great adventure.
At times, I lamented the amount of work that was required to simply get the RV ready for the journey. In other moments, I worried how our present choices may negatively impact our future. Now, finally here in Austin for more than two weeks, and with a place to stay for the long-term, I still feel very anxious.
That may be because we’ve elected to invest time into building an RV pad for ourselves, rather than spending a bit extra on an existing facility. Sure, we may save money in the long run. And sure, there will certainly be a moment in the future when I can look back on myself and laugh about the anxiety in whose grips I now feel firmly grasped.
But Wait…Forward Only, And NOW!
Affirmations. I’m still young. I’m still healthy. I have a roof over my head, useful possessions to my name, and the ability to be gainfully employed once again in the near future. This art of being a writer, although envied by many I’ve talked to, often, at least to me, feels quite unenviable. There may be no greater feeling, as a writer, than sitting down with no definitive subject upon which the focus must remain. There is great freedom in the ability to sit, pen in hand, without client or editor breathing down your neck (indeed, without one’s duality breathing down one’s own neck as well). How wonderful to be free to write about anything or nothing. And to feel zero anxiety either way? It simply would not matter!
The blank canvas tempts the artist so. But the artist sort through passion, dreams, and visions to pick a singular subject upon which to focus their next work. The imagination runs wild. But, I suppose, such is a natural occurrence when it has been substantially bottled up for so long. The reins, the reins! Where are the reins?! Oh no! More creative thoughts spilling out unbridled. Off into the ethers you go! I wish for your joyous return someday, hopefully not too far down the line.
What a great insight! Thanks so much for sharing this, it’s great to see other people’s perspective on life. It’s clear that you are at a stage where your personal sands are shifting a lot recently and it’s great that you can take such a clear and objective view on it. So true too “what is reality anyway”. It’s different for every person
Hey Mike! My perspective has changed a lot since writing this, but I find it important to come back to my own personal writings often. I find that it helps to appreciate the full journey and to remain clear and objective on the current situations in which we find ourselves!
I must say what an amazing writer you are. The way in which you have written this post is nothing less than amazing and I am eager to read your other posts.
And yes as long as the anxiety issues go, I must say not many people have the will and determination to listen to their hearts and lead a life accordingly. But you have already taken your first step by following your belief in your brother’s musical talent and leaving your Truckee.
Anxiety is quite common at the beginning of every new venture. And I am sure it’s just a roadblock which you will soon overcome.
Thanks Nick! In hindsight, you were certainly right that this was just a temporary roadblock. It’s hard to keep things in that perspective sometimes when you’re in the moment and consumed by the struggle, but my hope is that by sharing my journey, I can inspire others to open up about theirs!
This was really worth reading and thanks for sharing your unbiased opinion on this. Firstly, perception about life differs just the way what we feel to be good and evil differs. We all need to find that special feeling that makes us who we are and so far you have to switch careers just to get that satisfaction, it is totally okay. However, addressing the issue of anxiety here is just about addressing the condiments tat makes us human and emotional. With time, surely you will get over it.
Thanks Shelley! And with time, I do feel that I have gotten over it (although I’ve come to believe that everything is cyclical and if we think we’re “past” something, that might not always be the case). I have greater faith in my path these days, even if I can’t always see further than a couple of steps in front of myself in the present moment!
It is very evident that you are at that spot in your life where your sands are shifting an you decided to take an objective perception towards it by writing it out like this. To be honest, your style of writing really helped in hooking my attention here and it is really worth envying. But then, I really wish that you find delight on this part that you have just taken because that is the true essence of life. Anxiety is just a normal thing that any human would feel when it comes to witching sides on the path of their career because you had something going on already and you decided to shake it up for something yet to be sure of.
Thanks Bella! I wrote this post originally more than two years ago, but have reorganized my content recently and begun sharing more of what I call my “from the heart” writing. Thank you for your kind words and reassurance!
Anxiety is just the normal building block that stands between what you wish to achieve and where you are. Though it i normal for it to show up when it has to do with one changing a course of career as you are abandoning your truckee. However, I believe that there is more to you than just this. Hence, it feels good to read about your objectiveness on this. Good one
Ooh I love that, re: “Anxiety is just the normal building block that stands between what you wish to achieve and where you are.” I’m writing that one down and will be happy to quote you the next time I use it. Thanks!